Harry Potter and the Perkisystem
by RTVfan
Summary: In anticipation of the new "Half Blood Prince" movie coming out soon, which is supposedly awesome. This story is in Harrys 6th year, and he and the rest of his class are in for an oddity unlike they've ever seen before. His name is Tony Perkis.


Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 1996

An old man appeared on the door step of Tony Perkis. He was doing the old wise master gimmick for sure, and Tony thought he dressed kind of funny, though Tonys mental fortitude apparently wasn't good enough to come up with an appropriate comparison. He had a regal purple cloak on, high black boots and half moon glasses. His beard was so long it had to be tied with a piece of string.

"Um, yes?"

"Hello, I believe you are Mr Tony Perkis, the son of Tony Perkis Sr, the 'Lighting Fixture King' of Western Pennsylvania. Am I right?"

"Yeah, sorry, I'm not really affiliated with Perkis Lighting Fixtures-"

The old man raised his hand as a sign of compulsion, and Tony stupidly granted the old man his undue respect.

"Sorry. My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I have a very interesting proposition for you."

"Well come on in, then Dumbledore. Interesting name, what's it's origin?"

"I believe it is mid late english slang for 'bumblebee'"

Dumbledore walked into the house. The living room was totally spartan except for a single chintz chair tucked in the corner. Instead of a couch was a blue gym mat. There was no coffee table, no bookshelf, no art, not even a TV. Doing a scanning charm, Dumbledore sensed a very nice gym set upstairs, which also seemed to have a lot of recent human activity. He smiled.

Perkis looked at him oddly with a glance. "So what proposition Mr Dumbledore?"

"For once in my life, I'll get to the point. I saw your 'informercial' on television on lonely night and I-"

"Wait a minute, you saw what commercial Yoda?"

Dumbledore furrowed his brow at the odd muggle phrase. "The commercial pertaining to the Perkisystem method of physical fitness."

"Oh", said Tony, "Oh that. Yeah. Well what can I offer to you?"

"I run a school in Scotland, and I am in need of a PE Teacher. After being impressed by your creditionals, I found my way to America to meet you. Sorry for the intrusion by the way. Now there is a very big difference to this school than most. It is a school of magic."

Tonys eyes grew wide as he sat cradling his legs on the gym mat. "Could I see some?"

Albus twinkled his eye. "Gladly"

He raised his wand and levitated Tony around the room in his lotus positon the entire time. He finally lowered him back on to the mat.

"Impressive. What else can you do? Can you fly? Can you read minds? Can you turn men into pigs?"

"All of that, Mr Perkis. All of that and more" said Albus confident in his own abilities.

"So when do I start? Do I need my own transport and equipment? How big is the class I'm dealing with?"

"You will be given a great deal of leisure to deal with PE your own way. A good majority of my youngsters have spent their years isolated from non magical society, and have seen no need for exercise since they see magic as a cure for everything. Might I say that your presence would encourage growth in our students. Also, having a non magical person on the grounds shall be a new experience and will help wizarding culture in a way you couldn't understand right now."

Tony stood up, and shook Dumbledores hand. "I agree to be the PE teacher at..."

"Hogwarts School For Witchcraft and Wizardly"

"Right. Wheres the contract, so I can look it over?"

Dumbledore did not have one. Never felt the need to have contracts, as partnerships were dealt with "deathshakes" back home. Being the powerful wizard he is though, he transfigured a binding contract on parchment out of a thimble he had on him.

"Here you are,. Mr Perkis"

"I'll need a few days to think it over, is there anyway to chat with a wizard?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure you'll make up your mind by tonight. I'm currently staying at a Marriott, room 221B."

"Well alright Mr Dumbledore, this will be an interesting experience for both of us I'm sure. Can I get you anything before you go?"

"I don't believe you have any sweets?"

"Nope, swore it all off years ago. Sweets are strictly forbidden in the Perkisysytem to maximize metabolic output."

"Oh. I see. Well that's fine, I can get it at the hotel. Thank you for your time."

Dumbledore reached for the front door, and Tony nodded thoughtfully in his direction.

"Hey wait a second. Is there anything else I can do"

"Oh no, I'm fine. Thank you very much, and I hope to be hearing you tonight."

With that, he trodded off down the sidewalk of the pretty Chestnut Hill neighborhood.

Tony looked on, and then went for the phone. "Hey Kenny? I've got a favor to ask you."

….

Kenny Grossman, no relation to the Hollywood mogul Les Grossman, was at his New York loft when he got the phone call. "Yo?"

Perkis had just been released from Friends Hospital in Philadelphia for those with psychiatric problems after his failed infomercial pitch at Camp Hope, and Tony did not want to come off as crazy to his longtime friend whom he just happened to out $600 to. "Have you ever heard of a Hogwarts School for Wizards and Witches?"

"Actually yeah, I have."

"Seriously? This old guy named Dumbledore just barged into my house, he's a freaking wizard and wants me to go to this school to teach PE."

"I'm a wizard too."

"No you're not!"

"Yeah I am Tony, watch me"

Suddenly, Kenny was in his living room.

"See?"

"How long have you been holding out on me? We've been friends for like two years dude. I trained you in the art of gorilla fu, what the fuck is up?"

"Sorry, it's just this...thing I have. I don't like people knowing about it. I'm too lazy to be a superhero, so I'm a cameraman."

"So Hogwarts is legit?"

"Yeah bro, and I want to come too."


End file.
